In the wake of the deadly rampage at the high school in Parkland, Florida, which left 17 students and faculty dead, many solutions have been proffered that will solve the problem of such incidents.  Some have been serious efforts to solve this crisis, others not so.  And some have left normal people scratching their heads.

One of the latter proposals comes from Pennsylvania.  A news report from ABC WNEP 16, Dr. David Helsel, Superintendent of the Blue Mountain School District in Schuykill County, Pennsylvania, told a state House Education Committee in the state capital, Harrisburg, about his solution to an active shooter in the building  —  a bucket of rocks in each classroom!  (You cannot make this stuff up!)

“Each classroom has been equipped with a five gallon bucket of river stone.  If an intruder attempts to gain entrance into any of our classrooms, they will face a classroom full of students armed with rocks and they will be stoned.”

After reading that, you should be also told that doors will be reinforced and the kids will also be taught how to further barricade the entrances into the rooms.  That’s reassuring.

Reactions to this pronouncement were varied.  One parent said, thoughtfully, “It’s an option.”  Another was a little more blunt in her assessment:  “It’s absurd.  Arm the teachers.”

In the wake of the Parkland shooting, this seems to be one of the more innovative ideas for positive resistance to danger.  Kids vs. AR-15s  —  what a concept!  But why stop with stones?  Here are some more ideas to arm the students when a shooter comes calling.

Slime.  Make sure every kid has an abundant supply of green slime, in his or her desk, just ready for an emergency.  When the perpetrator penetrates the outer perimeter (the door), the floor is quickly covered with the slippery, slimy stuff that could make the most surefooted mountain goat fall.  Down goes the would-be shooter, and as he hits the floor with the gooey substance, his semi-automatic will go slithering out of his reach.  If he can even regain his footing, the game is up and the authorities have him in cuffs.

Slingshots.  This would be a logical alternative for kids.  Arm them with the professionally produced models, and have each student keep a large supply of ball bearings for the assault on any possible killer.  As he steps into a classroom full of accurately aimed missiles, he will never be able to get off a single shot.  How do we ensure that this will be effective?  Every PE class will take a portion for slingshot practice, until all kids, even the nerds, are as proficient as any SWAT team member.

Rotten eggs and tomatoes.  This response will also engage another portion of the school in self-defense, the cafeteria staff.  Each day, every student will be provided with eggs so rotten the smell alone would deter even the most dedicated of school shooters.  Tomatoes also would be at the ready, and the poor perp could not withstand the onslaught of determined school-age bombers equipped with the most foul-smelling weapons known to man.

For the most vulnerable of students, another deterrent comes from my teaching career at a K-8 school.  Because we teachers sometimes had to “cover” for one of our colleagues when they had to be missing from the classroom, I learned just how terrifying bunches of five and six-year-old urchins can be.  If a gunman enters such a classroom, have each one jump into some kind of self propelled plastic vehicle, and begin to ram the crook.  In addition, make sure that the kids are yelling at him stuff like “Can I go potty now?” or “Sally hit me!” or just screaming in a high-pitched voice.  From personal experience, the terror alone would make that guy turn around and find some rational adult to shoot.

But really folks.  Who in their right mind would urge someone to bring a rock to a gun fight?  Isn’t it time for the adults in the room to come to an adult solution to the problem some believe is endemic to our society?

Banning guns is not the answer.  None of the gun control activists’ ideas would have prevented that carnage in Florida.  But if the FBI, the Broward County Sheriff’s office, the social services in place and the administration had done their jobs, no guns would have been in that Florida high school on Valentine’s Day 2018.