Democrats, liberals, journalists of every stripe continue to batter President Trump about his Russian connections. Did or did he not collude with the Russian Bear, Vladimir Putin, to sway the election his way?
This is a story that will not go away. Even a stake in the heart of the story, as real as Dracula’s aversion to light, will not kill it. But even now, more evidence of this collusion is out there to be discovered, and I am just the one to point the way for more digging into this nefarious plot to undermine our republic. Keep in mind that some of the people involved have been shielded by the use of pseudonyms*, and anonymous sources remain so for their safety.
Most of the following information comes from my informal conspiracy theorist group, called Lenin Lads and Lasses, who have been working hard to show how deeply committed Trump is to Russia.
First, there is Melania. When she was a model, it was known that on more than one occasion, she and a Russian model, named Natasha*, talked together from time to time on the circuit. Their explanation of the interaction was that both were unhappy with the organizers, but we believe this was the beginning of Melania becoming a White House mole for Putin.
Another link in this evil chain was found in Florida, where Trump’s gardener, an undocumented immigrant named Jose*, was seen in the company of one of the greenskeepers of the adjacent golf course. This man was a Russian, also undocumented, and according to Jose*, all they talked about was how to keep the grass green and lush. One of our operatives knows better, for he asked the Russian, Boris*, who the President was, and Boris* answered, “Putin”. Jose* quickly added “Da!”
To show how insidious this conspiracy must be, an anonymous source claimed that Barron, in his history class that was studying the Russian Revolution of 1917, asked his teacher, “What did the Tsar do that was so bad?” Even at eleven, we can see the influence the “evil empire” has on the first family.
One of my correspondents told of overhearing the President, when discussing religion, referred to the robe that Catholic priests wear as “Cossacks”, not the correct term “cassocks”. To him this was not just a slip of the tongue, but an indication that all things Russian are part of Trump’s vocabulary.
More “dirt” has been uncovered on Jared Kushner, Trump’s son-in-law and major advisor. Several keen observers have noted that he only orders “Russian” dressing for salads. To say this family is Russophile is an understatement.
Further back in Trump’s history, a little know nugget of information was unearthed by an unnamed source. It was discovered that Donald had a Russian nanny, Natalia*, from the time he was three until six years of age. At that very impressionable age, we can see how even the young Trump was influenced toward the Russian bear.
A highly placed source, not identified because of his close relationship to the Trumps, has told us that Donald, Jr., has a favorite drink. You guessed it — Russian vodka. It is rumored that he keeps a couple of bottles in the Oval Office so he can have a nip or two when he is there. His father, a renowned teetotaler, tolerates this because of the origin of the liquor.
Any White House chef tries to cater to the culinary whims of the President and his family, but a source close to this personage, Pierre*, leaked the information that no matter the occasion or type of meal to be served, Donald and Melania insist that two dishes are always on the menu — Russian caviar and Russian borscht. This has caused some embarrassment to visiting dignitaries, especially to the President of Mexico, Villa*, who wondered why this was mixed in with traditional Mexican cuisine.
All Presidents have their White House pets, usually cats or dogs. Trump is not different in this respect, for he loves dogs. This was shown, according to an unidentified source, when he gave each of his children, when they were young, a dog — a Russian Wolfhound. The White House kennel now boast two of these beasts, but what sets them apart from other First Family pets is that they were imported from Russia, from the state breeding kennels where Putin gets his dogs.
Those close to Ivanka report to us that she has a large and varied collection of Russian “nesting” dolls. These were given to her by her father over the years, another indication of the closeness Donald feels to the Russian Bear.
For some reason, major left-leaning news outlets have not been able to report these ties the White House has to the Russians. “Lenin’s Lads and Lasses” has a wide network of sources that seems to be able to ferret out information about our red-tinged President, and we are waiting for someone from CNN or CBS to pick up our scoops and let the country know what is really going on behind the wrought iron fence surrounding the White House. If they did broadcast this, how long could Trump stand the pressure?
Some might think that these are just more examples of “fake news” the kind President always criticizes. But this is not fake news — this is the real “faux” news, the sort we all need in order to be informed of the important events of the nation.
*Names changed to protect their identity.
***If you don’t recognize satire, we pity you.