As of today, March 15, (the Ides of March of which Ceasar is warned to beware), President Asterisk has held the title of President of the United States for 49 days. And what a wonderful 49 days they have been!
President Trump, in his time in office, was only able to protect Christians from discrimination and retaliation, get rid of hundreds upon hundreds of useless bureaucratic regulations that hampered small businesses, reduce taxes for about 90% of American wage earners, lower the unemployment rate to record lows for blacks, Hispanics, and women, bring manufacturing jobs back to the United States (you know, the ones that Obama said were gone forever), start (with Sen. Tim Scott and black leaders) Opportunity Zones in black communities to help black Americans start and sustain their own businesses, reform the penal code, appoint three justices to the Supreme Court and over 200 federal judges that interpret the Constitution rather than creating their own laws ( the job of the Congress), broker peace between Serbia and Kosovo as well as between Israel and both the United Arab Emirates and Bahrain, approve the Keystone XL: Pipeline and Fracking which made the U.S. energy independent for the first time in decades, and make most Americans feel optimistic about their futures for the first time in over a decade.
But wait until you see what President Asterisk has accomplished in just 49 days! On day one he signed an executive order stopping construction on the Keystone Pipeline, putting thousands of Americans out of jobs and allowing them to learn how to make wind turbines, a more useful job as Texans can well tell you!
He also stopped fracking on federal land and put a ban on drilling for oil or gas in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, a vast frozen tundra in Alaska. This move also freed up many prospective employees of the gas and oil companies to take up fishing, building igloos, and whittling miniature totem poles for tourists. Alaskans were overjoyed at the new opportunities provided for them by the Asterisk administration.
These impediments to new oil and gas reserves have raised gas prices over a dollar in just 49 days, putting vast amounts of money into the pockets of the gas companies, who are eternally grateful!
President Asterisk immediately put the United States back into the World Health Organization, you know, the one that repeated China’s lies about the Coronavirus until it was too late to keep it out of the U.S.? That WHO. He also made sure we rejoined the Paris Climate Accord so that we could pay tons of money to countries like India and China to build their coal-fired power plants while we close ours down and decorate what used to be farmers’ fields with lovely rotating wind turbines and those nice, black solar panels. No doubt farmers are happy that they have less land to work, which saves them paying all those high gas prices!
President Asterisk signed more executive orders in the first few days than the four previous presidents had signed all together, and while signing, he got a little muddled and mumbled “I don’t even know what I’m signing.” Either Pelosi or Harris helpfully called out, “Sign it anyway!” wanting to move things along so she didn’t have to keep standing there. Those executive orders undid many of the things that President Trump had accomplished, but hey, President Asterisk won the prize for most executive orders signed, so it’s all good, right?
Being a compassionate and caring man, (just look at how he rubs women’s shoulders and sniffs their hair!), President Asterisk has now made it possible for women around the world to get an abortion paid for by us, the American taxpayers. “Christians for Biden” are a little miffed at him. Apparently they thought he wasn’t for abortion even though he said he was, but hey, they’ll get over it.
He just fired the general counsel of the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, so no doubt the new general counsel will deal with any niggling little objections from religious people about anything. He also fired the general counsel of the National Labor Relations Board. These are independent departments who do not serve “at the pleasure of the president,” but if they got to go, they got to go! These people are supposed to insure that no one is denied their rights because of skin color, gender, or religious belief. But President Asterisk has called for unity, so I guess we don’t need people like them anymore.
This compassionate man’s most impressive move yet, was to stop construction on the wall along our southern border that interfered with the businesses of drug dealers and human traffickers. Even Sen. Dianne Feinstein says the drug cartels do between 426 and 652 billion dollars-worth of business in America each year, making them larger than Walmart. Now, they can cross the border with their drugs whenever they wish. No problem.
Even more important, his new rules (or lack thereof) are permitting COVID infected illegal aliens into the country where they are promptly put on Greyhound buses and shipped off to cities around the south, thus spreading the virus. This helpfully supports his admonitions to Americans that we must still wear not one but two masks and only get together in small groups even after we have been vaccinated, because the virus is increasing out there and we don’t want to spread it. (Ignore the fact that areas without mask mandates have no more cases than areas with mandates, and that studies are already showing [from the U.S., Great Britain, and Israel] that once you are vaccinated, even if you fall into the roughly 5% that still catch the virus, you will have enough antibodies in your system to make your case light, prevent you from dying of it, and prevent you from passing it to someone else. But, hey, Democrats seem to have a mask fetish and are very concerned about your health, except of course if you are old and in a nursing home in which case they deliberately put COVID patients in with you so they can kill a bunch of you off.
His Department of Justice is showing how much he supports law and order! They expect to charge as many as 400 of those who managed to get inside the Capital Building on January 6, a building which is regularly open to the public for tours every day but Sunday. These “insurrectionists” as the Democrats call them, carried not one single weapon, didn’t kill anyone, and didn’t start any fires, unlike the “mostly peaceful” BLM and Antifa rioters who burned down great swaths of Democrat-run cities this past summer. But they were rude enough not to wait politely for the tour guides to take them around, so, charges will be filed! But the mobs that surged into the Senate office building during the Kavanaugh hearings to try to intimidate senators into not confirming him to the Supreme Court were never charged by Trump’s DOJ. See the difference? Law and order. No law and order. Or do I have that backwards?
Perhaps the most exciting thing President Asterisk has done is to sign into law a 1.9 trillion dollar relief package of which less than 10% actually goes towards helping mitigate the suffering of Americans. The rest, thankfully, goes to build a bridge for Chuck Schumer and a tunnel for Nancy Pelosi, and bail out all of the Democrat-run states who don’t know how to quit spending other people’s money. Now that is an accomplishment!
Certainly President Asterisk accomplished many more wonderful things with all of his hundreds of executive orders (most of which were unconstitutional and will no doubt end up in court sooner or later), but I won’t spend more time enumerating all of those glorious things here! Just remember, he gave thousands the opportunity to learn a new job, made us once again just one of the many member nations of the United Nations (we’re back in the club!), is providing abortions for millions of non-Americans who otherwise couldn’t afford them, has increased our gas prices to the delight of the gas companies, is encouraging entrepreneurship among drug cartels and human traffickers, and introducing more COVID cases into the U.S. to shore up his mask mandates. Oh, and he is giving each taxpayer $1,400. (Ignore the fact that President Trump gave each taxpayer $1,800!)
I just don’t know how much more of these wonderful things I can take!